every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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