there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
