I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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