i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
one might say we're banned from that church
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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