i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
