I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
