my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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