So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize