I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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