You smell like stripper and shame
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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