I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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