My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
