i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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