K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
