Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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