I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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