i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
