We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
