I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
