apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
