he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
