I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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