Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
