I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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