I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
