I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
