I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
