My liver just broke up with me...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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