whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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