Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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