just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
how drunk are you?
Several
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize