well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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