i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize