I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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