i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm passing your future prison.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
