Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Randomize
