Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
