At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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