I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
