just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
