I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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