how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
