i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
