Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
