the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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