Just mADE A PArabola og urine
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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