somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
