Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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