I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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