glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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