She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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