I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
