i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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