Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
