Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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