he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
