I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
