I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
