Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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