I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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