I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
