I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
