I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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